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| 2006 |
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Born in Norfolk, NE on April 12th. It was a beautiful Spring day. I had a doctor appointmentat 4:00 in the afternoon and had been uncomfortable for quite some time. At the appointment the doctor decided to hook me up to monitors to see what was happening, and contractions were 2-3 minutes apart. It was time to have a baby boy. |
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| May 7th, 2006 |
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Baptism was on Sunday, May 7th. Aunt Carrie and Uncle Ted had the honor of being Jace's Godparents. It was another beautiful day. Father Jeff was the celebrant at the ceremony that day. We celebrated with family by going out to eat afterward, at Prengers Restaurant. All the grandparents were there as well as Carrie and Ted. Jace slept through almost the entire baptism but when it was over and time to go out to eat, he decided it was time for him to eat also. I stayed out in the van and fed him while everyone else went in the restaurant. |
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| 2006 |
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Passed away on September 08, 2006 . |
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| February, 2007 |
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| March, 2007 |
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Today is March 8th, 2007. It was exactly six months ago today that we found out that we would have to live our lives without Jace. It seems so hard to believe that it was already a half a year ago that our lives were turned up-side-down, yet it seems as though our whole lives have been consumed with this sadness. It was just last night that I talked to my friend, Julie, about the day that Jace was born. For a moment I was taken back to that day, as I was overcome with the excitement and anticipation of meeting my precious son face to face for the first time. The feeling lasted only momentarily, as the sting of my sorrow reminded me that those days were a life time ago. There has not been a day that has gone by in the past six months that I have not asked myself "How can I travel this road?" Each time I have been answered, "Not alone." So it is in desperation that I reach out to God for comfort along this journey. I beg Him to restore my hope and devour my loneliness, as only He can. It is today that I remind myself of what I discovered six months ago. It is not about this life. This is my waiting room - for a happiness far greater than that I used to know.
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| March 31, 2007 |
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Today is Saturday, March 31st. I went to a salon with Megan and Carson this morning and found myself in a situation that I've been in only one other time since Jace died. The gal who was helping me asked me if I had any other children. My heart started racing instantly as I did not know how to answer her question. I have thought many times of how I will react and how I will answer such a question. But when put on the spot this morning, I did not know how to respond. So I told her that I had another son who died last fall. She asked me how old he was and how he died and I told her he was five months old and was taken from us by SIDS. She reacted by saying that it must be so tough since with SIDS there are no reasons and no answers. I wanted to cry out and tell her how heart broken I am to not have my son in my arms as we near his first birthday. I wanted to ask her "How does a mother live without her child?" the question that I have longed to have answered for nearly seven months now, as though in her young adulthood, she may have some answer I have yet to find. Instead, however, I found myself telling her only a little about life without My Jace and how we feel as we approach his first birthday.
I want to tell the girl that I met this morning "thank you". She gave me the opportunity to talk about Jace and acknowledge his life and the impact that he has had on our hearts. She did not react as though she should not have asked about my other children. She was not embarrassed or anxious after asking and just wanted to know more. We simply talked a little about his life and about his death. So if I get the chance, I will tell her thank you for allowing me to tell her about one of my greatest gifts; one that I didn't get to keep.
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| April 4, 2007 |
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I gave birth to Jace the Wednesday before Easter last year. Today is the Wednesday before Easter and I am heartbroken that I do not have him to hold in my arms and love on this earth. Jeff and I have been talking every day about what things Jace would be doing right now. We are sure he would be walking and getting into everything as we run behind him trying to keep him safe. I miss that breath taking smile that he would give me whenever I talked to him or even looked at him. I have had so many dreams of Jace lately and it makes me long to hold him even more.
As I think back to all of the events of this past year, it is hard to imagine the joy and pain we have had to face. I feel as though I should be happy for the life that was given to me, but sometimes all I see is the emptiness that surrounds me because he is not here.
Thank you, Tracy, for your unending support throughout this journey. The fact that you have traveled this path and have celebrated seven birthdays through tears, without your Sweet Madisen, breaks my heart even more. Your strength and courage have inspired me on many days that I have thought would be too difficult to face. That we would be brought together after so many years, by our beautiful SIDS angels is unimaginable. I am sure that Jace and Madisen met each other the day you came to visit with Ann. I know that Madisen must be so proud of her mommy.
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| Easter, 2007 |
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Today we are spending our first Easter Sunday without our precious Baby Jace. Although I have known the reality, today it hit me so forcefully that it took my breath away. We never will spend an Easter Sunday with him on this earth. Each holiday we have endured without Jace, we have done so with one goal: live through the day and do whatever we can to make Megan and Carson see happiness. And when that day is over, we can take a breath because it can only get better if we survive, right? It seems as though there should be an end in sight to this darkness that surrounds us. I keep thinking that if I can make it through this anniversary, this holiday, this birthday, it will all be over. The truth is so heavy, as I know there never will be an end to our sadness - every birthday, every holiday, every single day will be spent without that perfect child. That in itself is too much to bear. Yet, I remind myself of the bigger truth that I so emotionally realized on Palm Sunday. Something I have always known but have never needed with so much desperation. This day is the very reason I will one day hold Jace again in my arms. Without Jesus, our darkness would never turn to light; our heart ache would never turn to happiness; our grief would never turn to joy. As a friend reminded me just yesterday, this life is but a blink of an eye, so it must be lived well. There will one day again be a time of rejoicing and a reunion too wonderful to even imagine. So, clinging to that hope, we do our best to celebrate our Risen Lord and ask Him to hold us securely in His embrace until we can all be together again.
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| April 12, 2007 - Happy Birthday Jace |
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